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Don’t Grow Apart, Grow Together
Growing as a person is sometimes uncomfortable, but is tremendously rewarding. Growing alongside your partner is also exciting, as you can encourage each other! Think of your brain as a snowy mountain you’re sledding down. The paths you repeatedly go down are easier, you’re used to them. Treading new paths takes more work, and you’ll likely have to travel them a few times before they become natural to you. This is how the brain learns and retains memory. Our brains have the capacity to rewrite these neural pathways at any point in our lifetimes!
Unfortunately, these pathways aren’t always beneficial to us. These paths we go down can lead to addiction, unhealthy eating, paranoid/intrusive thoughts, poor sleeping habits, body dysmorphia, etc. It’s hard to break away from these paths because your brain has gotten used to them, which is why you need to have patience with yourself.
Growth is uncomfortable because you’ve never been here before. You’ve never seen this version of you. So give yourself a little grace and breathe through it. - Kristin Lohr
You Catch more Flies with Honey Than Vinegar
Start by working on your communication skills, your trust in each other, and discussing your priorities. These are the main factors in relationships breaking up.
Approach issues speaking from an “I” standpoint. For example, if you were to tell your partner, “you’re never intimate with me,” or “we never have alone time,” that can cause them to become defensive instead of actually wanting to fix the issue. Instead, you could express that touch is an important part of your love language and you’d like more of that from your partner. Try these alternatives for better, healthier relationship communication. It may take some practice as you relearn how to navigate conflict/disagreements in your relationship.
Do you know your love language?
Knowing what your needs and wants are out of your relationship is essential! Like I said previously, if you’re not getting those fulfilled it’s important you let your partner know in a constructive manner. For someone that’s love language is words of affirmation, they’d enjoy their partner’s affection demonstrated through words (such as a compliment or praise towards something they worked hard on), and may feel unsatisfied if they aren’t receiving much of that.
Words of Affirmation: Expressing verbally your appreciation for your partner. Encouraging them and affirming your love for them.
Acts of Service: Do something helpful/nice for your partner! Show them your appreciation by surprising them.
Physical Touch: Body language to express your love and affection (cuddling, hugs, kissing, holding hands).
Quality Time: Giving your partner your undivided attention, having alone time together, planning a special date or trip.
Giving/Receiving Gifts: thoughtful and meaningful gifts from the heart and appreciating them.
It’s important to find out what your love language is. Ask yourself what is missing, what could your partner be doing more of, what are you desiring? Once you know what you want specifically, it’s a lot easier for your partner to act on!
Do you know your Attachment Style?
Doing some work around your attachment style can help you understand and challenge your insecurities. It can provide insight as to how you felt throughout your childhood, and how that shaped your development. The attachment style is established in your formative years, and goes on to influence your relationships. Ideally, parents/guardians would establish a secure attachment style with their children in the first years after birth, building a foundation of trust and protection. Those with secure attachment style are capable of setting boundaries, facing rejection, accepting others, showing affection, and respecting consent.
Unhealthy Attachment Styles:
Ambivalent/Anxious: This type leaves the child feeling confused, insecure, and distrustful of their caregiver, but also desperate for any attention. Because the parenting they experienced was unpredictable, they didn't know what kind of treatment to expect. This can lead to a need for reassurance and words of affirmation in future romantic relationships.
Avoidant: This style tends to create “mini adults". They are taught they can’t rely on their caregiver, and must keep their emotions private, not burdening anyone. Kids raised this way become self-sufficient and tend to keep others at a distance in their adult life. In romantic relationships, this can cause someone to be withdrawn emotionally, have commitment issues, and avoid intimacy.
Disorganized: Incorporates the two latter attachment styles into one. Typically stemming from trauma and/or abuse in childhood, this leaves the child feeling unsafe. This can cause immense trust issues, especially if the child is made to feel unsafe by the guardian meant to keep them safe. As an adult, they often have a fear of intimacy and come to expect rejection, disappointment, and pain out of relationships.
Honesty is the Best Policy
Upon entering a relationship, commonly you would discuss the terms of your commitment to each other, labels you may use, and general boundaries. It’s important to honour those promises, staying true to the intentions you set with your partner. If you agree to be monogamous, and someone breaks that agreement, it can be extremely damaging to your relationship’s trust. It’s important to communicate what your desires are, if they are being met, if you need to seek that elsewhere, and what that means for your relationship.
Take the first step in healing your intimate life. I can help you work through your attachment style, find your love language, and open up your heart. You are the director and the controller of your relationships. Check out some testimonials from my clients and see how I can support your journey:
Book a free 45 minute strategy call with me here.