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The Ultimate Guide to Mommy Burnout
Do you feel like you need a day off from parenting? We are expected to stretch ourselves and literally become godlike, especially during a pandemic! No wonder we feel exhausted. Burnout isn't a mood disorder, it's a reaction to being overburdened and unsupported. And it’s not your fault either! If we’re not taught how to take care of our mental health, we don’t know how to give or receive support for it.
According to this study from 2016, mothers are unshockingly more stressed out than their male co-parents. As women, we are held to different expectations by society, sometimes even enforced by our friends/family. We’ve come along way in terms of gender roles in our families, but heteronormative values still influence the parenting tasks we take on, even subconsciously. This is the reason why parenting or caretaker burnout as well as relationship burnout is so common in mothers, as you might resent your partner or co-parent and your children. Besides work burnout, these are the most common types of burnout.
Factors that Cause Burnout:
Lack of support (from partner, co-parent, family and friends, healthcare providers, workplace, etc.)
Children have special needs and require extra support/accommodation that the caretaker is incapable of currently providing.
High stress careers like healthcare and educative professionals.
Homeschooling: without the right support, it can put an unreasonable amount of responsibilities onto you.
Your kid committing crimes, performing dangerous acts, disordered eating, substance abuse, and sexual experimenting without protection. See my video about typical teen behaviours, and when you should be concerned.
Your inner child: How your parents raised you and how you wish they'd raised you. Experiences with family/friends as a child, and how that shaped you.
5 Types of Moms Susceptive to Burnout:
These types can crossover with each other, increasing vulnerability!
First Time Moms:
New moms are extremely susceptible to burnout. Becoming a parent for the first time is a huge deal, and a rewarding, but difficult role. Those without support systems often develop postpartum anxiety and depression, as the new responsibilities quickly become overwhelming. Many parents feel confused searching for the "right way" to raise their children, and can even feel unworthy as a caregiver. This can lead to anxieties around key life events in a child's life, uncertainty of how to approach topics, and discouragement towards taking risks.
Moms of Newborns:
Similarly to new parents, the infant stage can be stressful as you aren't prepared for a lot. Sometimes other children will end up neglected by parents due to the demands of caring for the newborn child. Of course, if you've had another kid already, you have the advantage of experience. But all babies are different, so it's more like a rough guideline rather than a how-to! This too can be stressful, as methods that worked with your previous child(ren) may not be working with your new baby.
Common New Mother Fears:
Fear of dropping your baby-We've all felt the sense of caution wash over us while asked if you want to hold a baby. This is normal and human instinct, but can sometimes inhibit your ability to connect with your baby. If your fear is stopping you from holding your child, transporting them, feeding them, etc, seek help immediately.
Fear of not loving your baby-Sometimes it can take time to feel a bond start to form after your baby is born, especially if not much work was done to connect while in the womb.
Fear of your baby dying-This can lead to obsessive checking on your baby, and neglect of your own health.
Fear of your baby getting sick-Similar to above. Infants need to encounter bacteria in order to build up immunity. If they aren't allowed to interact with their environment to get this bacteria, they can't develop the immunity.
Fear your baby is crying/sleeping/eating too much/little-Comparing your baby to others can lead to this line of thinking. All babies are different, some sleeping a lot, others not much at all. It's important to seek the advice of paediatricians for individual cases.
Single Moms:
Regardless of the reason, being a single mom puts so much more on your plate! When you don't have a partner or co-parent, or you do and still don't receive the support you need from them, the responsibilities end up resting on your shoulders. You're often faced with the dilemma of prioritizing responsibilities and tasks for your kids and yourself, too. It's easy to wear yourself out trying to please everyone, thinking that if you don't do everything perfectly then you're a "bad" mom or that your children are going to suffer. What you may not realize is that you're suffering!
When did you last have a day off just for yourself? When was the last time you took time to do something relaxing or fun? You're always there for your kids, but it's important to remember to take care of yourself, too. It can be scary when your children need you physically or emotionally and there's no one else available to help them out, but if this becomes habitual then you'll never be able to avoid burnout.
Working Moms:
Career moms have luckily caught a bit of a break because of the pandemic, getting to work from home gave us a nice excuse to close our bedroom doors for "meetings", and not change out of pyjamas. My kids don't know if I'm on call with my friends or clients now! Not everyone got lucky to be a remote worker though, and working a high risk job causes immense stress. Prior to starting my business, working in schools I was worried about getting sick, and getting others sick! Unfortunately we don't all get the chance of making a career change to remedy this, and we have to use methods to help us feel safer and alleviate the anxiety it causes us to feel. Creating your own space that honours your level of desired comfort and safety will greatly help you decompress after stressful work days!
Tiger Moms/Helicopter Parents:
These moms mean well, and only want success for their children. Unfortunately, this style of parenting often has the opposite to the desired effect. Extreme cases of tiger moms are seen in Hollywood, sacrificing a child's freedom to play and explore the world, with training and working. But, in less extreme cases this can present commonly through pressure to make specific life choices in order to make your family proud, such as:
Pursuing a career, typically a high paying, stable and respected job.
Attending post-secondary schooling, and/or a specific one.
Performing well in school and extracurriculars. May extend to controlling what courses and extracurriculars are being taken.
Maintain favourable friends, and/or don't associate with certain folks.
A lot of the motive behind strict parenting stems back to feelings of anxiety and unworthiness. If we don't feel our kids are successful, we feel unsuccessful in raising them. This can make a parent feel exhausted, experiencing burnout with the child-parent relationship, and role of a caregiver. In our desire to protect our children we sometimes end up hurting them or ourselves.
Signs and Symptoms:
Pessimism towards your role as a parent, regretting the decision to have children, the desire to give your child up, feeling as though they are a burden in your life.
Feelings of distain or even hatred towards your children.
Easily agitated by inconveniences or accidents/mistakes made (by yourself or your children).
Being strict/stern has changed to an inability to control your frustration (yelling!)
Difficulty relaxing and/or getting a good sleep.
Overstimulation, or the opposite feeling of being touch-starved and lonely.
Dreading each new day.
Loss of identity: no longer interested in hobbies, aspirations have faded, your needs/wants now matter less.
Recovery from Burnout:
While burnout is discouraging, especially if you once felt excited and proud to be a mother, thinking back on earlier times with fondness. By making some crucial changes, you can move past it and into a healthier, comfortable, life balance and a loving relationship with your children. Getting support from a specialist can help you discover practical ways to cope with and overcome burnout. Take the quiz and see if you could be experiencing burnout.
Contact me today to take the first step in recovering from burnout.